CARNAGE AT VEGAN HIPSTER WEDDING!

Woman viciously attacked by Thugs posing as Wine Bottles.

From Our Own Correspondent.  A.N.Nonimouse

Police are seeking information about a premeditated and scurrilous attack upon an unarmed woman attending a Hipster Vegan Wedding in rural sussex.  The victim, who cannot be named due to amnesia issues, was said to be in her early to late 90s and armed only with a vague sense of stress.

Eye witnesses said that the attackers "came out of nowhere", although evidence collected at the scene suggests that the thugs may have been innocently taken in by the Victims Handbag and then joined by accomplices lying in wait on the immaculately prepared Drinks Bar.  

The woman did attempt, according to first hand accounts, to bravely fight off the thugs using a couple of chopsticks and some raw Aduki beans before flinging a carefully rolled Seaweed Finger in their faces.   The lack of a hearty breakfast however merely enraged the Attackers even more and her attempts to plead for mercy were savagely ignored.   The victim was left severely shocked with defensive wounds to her dignity and what Medical Staff are calling "her arse and ribs".

After surgically removing the victims bones below her knees, the thugs callously forced her to dance wildly to well known 70's hits, possibly including the notoriously vicious songs recorded by Toto.  The bones were later recovered by Forensic Personnel who attempted to force them back into position using stone chisels.

The Police are calling for any eye-witnessess to contact their Trauma Team for "humanitarian Blank Slating".   The victim's family have been treated for Post-Traumatic Shock and she herself has been put into a medically induced coma for her own safety.

If you, or someone you know, has been affected by this atrocity please do not feel obligated to bring it up at every available opportunity - Go Placidly, and Remember What Peace There May Be In Silence.